A BAD GUY WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS

Americans will often go on about how unsafe they feel at the idea of not having a gun. They want to protect themselves from people who might shoot them dead in the streets or in shopping centres or in the cinema or at, I dunno, school, by having a gun on them. Then, when the bad guy with a gun gets his gun out, the said American, otherwise known as good guy with a gun, can whip his out and in the nanosecond it takes the bad guy with the gun to shoot you dead, trigger his gun, thus killing the bad guy BEFORE YOU GET SHOT YOURSELF or possibly you both die at exactly the same time, in a Quentin Tarantino-esque manner, your corpses collapsing into puddles of blood and onlookers phone the police and/or ambulance and wow, what a happy ending.

All normal people in Europe, even fairly trigger-happy Europeans like Swiss or German people, think this is a bit of a bad plan. Surely, people say, wouldn’t it be easier to not have any guns in the first place? Even British people, who, since Brexit, are becoming more and more militaristic, nationalistic, warmongering and bloodthirsty every second of every day, still snigger at the idea that having a gun is much protection against a bad guy with a gun. It’s a rubbish protection. If a bad guy with a gun wants to kill you, you’re going to end up dead. The best thing to stop a bad guy with a gun is a society where the bad guy with the gun isn’t given a gun. And I know the UK has a horrific problem with knife crime and I am not trying to play it down. I think being knifed to death must be just a frightening as being shot to death. I just think the bad guys with knives kill less people than the bad guys with guns. It’s a Maths thing.

„It’s so weird how Americans always go on about guns making them feel safe,“ a British friend said to me once. „Does that mean that when they go on holiday to a normal country, they can’t get to sleep at night, worrying about whether they’ll get shot or not?“

„I think a lot of those very gunny Americans don’t go on holiday outside the US,“ I said.

British people are still capable of fairly logical thought when it comes to criticizing America. Am not trying to be too sneery about this – we’re all very good at criticizing America. Germans, too. Germans will be posting Black Lives Matters videos and going on about how great Obama is 24/7 but when you talk to them about refugees being racially profiled or Philip Rösler having been treated fairly racistly by not only his supporters but also the more left-wing press, you can literally see them bristling. You can literally see the pores in their skin turning into actual bristles. People say we’ve all been to the university of hindsight, I think we’ve all been to the university of In America They Still. If we criticized our own countries as much as we criticized the USA, we would basically be living in the multicultural queer-friendly feminist trans-toilet-loving PC utopia Trumpists think we are.

Still, most British people realize, still, that a gun ain’t gonna do jack shit when someone wants to shoot you. They’re still capable of holding this thought in their head. Theresa May’s nationalistic warmongering brainwashing propaganda hasn’t started working that well yet. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO NUCLEAR WEAPONS oh my fucking God. There are literally people who have voted Labour all their lives who are now going to vote Tory for the first time ever. There are various reasons listed for this – free school dinners being a bad idea is one. As if free school dinners could ever be a bad idea like Brexit or war with Spain over Gibraltar or dismantling the NHS are bad ideas. Free school dinners never killed anyone. Not being hyperbolic here. There has literally never been a case of someone dying from having a free school dinner.

BUT most people are naming Jeremy Corbyn’s unwillingness to press the nuclear button as the reason why they prefer Theresa May to him. British people seem to really think that North Korea will be more likely to bomb Britain if they know that the Prime Minister isn’t prepared to bomb them back. And just like the Americans who think a bad guy with a gun can only be stopped by a good guy with a gun, this idea is crazily, crazily, crazily illogical. Do you never go on holiday to any of the literally thousands of holiday destinations in countries which don’t have nuclear weapons? And if you do, how do you manage to get to sleep at night? I actually think a good guy with a gun is slightly more protection against a bad guy with a gun than nuclear weapons are against Kim Jong-Un. If Kim Jong-Un decides to nuke the UK, you will all be dead. It doesn’t matter if Jeremy Corbyn decides to wipe out North Korea afterwards. Millions of dead North Koreans won’t bring you magically back to life.

And the truth is: if you live in England, you have a choice in this General Election between two parties and possibly a third. The two major parties are fairly Brexity, one is very anti-immigration, the other is far more anti-immigration than it needs to be, but this is because they’ve realized that a lot of people in England are total fucking racists. The third party is being vaguely normal and civilized about things.  Of the two fairly Brexity parties, one is run by a fucking psychopath. A nationalistic psychopath who ran over to America the second a fascist got elected so she could hold hands with him. Who let her party member threaten war with Spain over Gibraltar in loving memory of one of the most stupid, pointless wars we ever took part in. Who wants Brexit to be hard and horrible and wants everyone in the EU to know that she thinks she should be top dog and that she thinks they’re a bunch of cunts. Who, when/if Trump attacks North Korea, will almost definitely send poor young British soldiers off to die in that war. And then you have a guy who might not be the perfect leader, who’s a bit skinny and beardy, a bit of an idealist BUT WHO ERM DOESN’T WANT ACTUAL WAR.

People in UK keep on saying they don’t feel safe voting for Jeremy Corbyn. Because he’s a pacifist. I think it’s a bit weird, a bit childish, a bit silly. But there’s a difference between not voting for Corbyn and actually fucking voting for Theresa May. A vote for Theresa May is a vote for a Tory party that is basically indistinguishable from UKIP. A vote for Theresa May is a vote for a dangerous woman who likes to play with dangerous ideas. A vote for Theresa May is far more likely to lead you guys to war than anything-else.

But it seems to me like English voters have lost the ability to think logically at the moment. Since the referendum, the country has just been drifting and drifting to the right more and more every day and now it seems people aren’t just sleepwalking into fascism, they’re hurling themselves into it as fast as they fucking can. I think people aren’t stupid though. I think people know what a vote for Theresa May means. I think they know what they’re voting for. The NHS, the welfare state, free school dinners – these issues aren’t important. By unimportant, I mean English people are so indifferent about them that they’re prepared to see them go. But war and immigration-control, i.e. state-sanctioned racism, that’s what English people are voting for. I wonder what they’ll say when reality hits them. I will just have to try my hardest not to say: we told you so.

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