I AM AT THAT STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY WHERE…

I am at that stage of the pregnancy where it takes you half an hour to walk to Kaufland, and you don’t even notice

I am at that stage of the pregnancy where you wake up to wee twice a night

I am at that stage of the pregnancy where you can’t properly masturbate anymore because you can’t fucking reach

I am at that stage of the pregnancy where you press the button to get off the bus, stand up, waddle over to the door and the driver’s away again. So then you have to walk back a stop. Only it takes you half a fucking nhour because you’re at that stage of the pregnancy where walking anywhere takes you half a fucking nhour.

I am at that stage of the pregnancy where you begin all your sentences with the words „I am that stage of the pregnancy…“

I am that stage of the pregnancy where you wish you’d listened to Simone de fucking Beauvoir a bit more carefully

That’s the stage of the pregnancy I am in: slow, and fat, and careful. I feel like a walrus, look like a whale, waddle like a hippo. I’m all mammal. And although I really can’t wait to be a human again, I’m kind of shitting myself, too. That’s the stage of the pregnancy I am in.

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