So this is the worst thing about having a baby, right. It’s not the sleepless nights – you get used to them – and it’s not the crying, crying, crying, non-stop crying and you don’t know why they’re crying or if they will ever stop. And it’s not the breastfeeding working or the breastfeeding not working and your nipples getting sore or your breasts when they get hard as rock and you feel like the milk inside them is hot cement and it’s not how you don’t recognize your body anymore, your body, fat and bloated, soft and saggy, and you walk along, shuffle along and you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and you think who is that and you realize it is you and not only have you, unlike Heidi Klum, not magically lost all the pregnancy weight in three weeks after giving birth through a magical mix of yoga and breastfeeding but that you’ve actually PUT WEIGHT ON and you look like a hideous, horrendous, horribly horrific bag of potatoes that have gone mouldy in the rain.
The worst thing about having a baby is not how boring it is – it’s very boring. It’s so boring. It’s as boring as a never-ending discussion about house prices or sofas with your most boring relative. THE WORST THING IS: when you meet normal people and you tell them the most amazing thing the baby did today (he lifted a cloth up in front of his face and then put it down again and smiled like as if he was doing peekaboo! he clung to the side of his gitterbett like he was an agile monkey! he held onto a kuscheltier like as if he was cuddling it) and they look at you blankly like they’re thinking WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME SUCH A BORING STORY JACINTA and you’re like FUCK YOU IF YOU THINK THAT IS BORING THAT IS THE MOST INTERESTING THAT HAPPENED TO ME ALL FUCKING WEEK FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU take a walk in my shoes why don’t you. Babies are boring. Very cute though. Also: my baby can lift a cloth in front of his face and then put it down again and smile like as if he is doing peekaboo! Also he clings to the side of his gitterbett like he is an agile monkey who wants to climb out of there! And he is already able to hold onto his kuschltiere really tight, I think he thinks he’s cuddling them. I should probably take him to some kind of science institute to get them to do tests on him, that’s how amazingly advanced he is, to be honest, but I’ll try to resist the temptation, I want him to have as normal a life as humanly possible.
TONIGHT: SURFPOETEN MAYBE be there or be square