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21.04.2008

Pennsylvania voraus – The Onion (wie immer wunderbar)

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Pennsylvania Primary

Penn Primary

The State

  • Pennsylvania and Ohio are usually compared to one another because they are both key hellhole states.
  • While the area’s steel industry has struggled financially in recent years, it still wields a certain amount of influence over delegates who are suspended above vats of molten lead.
  • Pennsylvania has 188 Democratic delegates up for grabs, down from 211 following a tragic mine collapse in 2005.
  • Philadelphia, the state’s largest city, is famous for its delicious, disgusting, delicious food.
  • Pennsylvania’s late-April primary has traditionally been symbolic of the goddamn primary season almost being over.

The Candidates

Hillary Clinton

  • Hillary Clinton has surged ahead in the polls in Fayette County, PA, after admitting to residents that it has been her dream since she was a little girl to win more votes than her competitor in Fayette County.
  • After talking with unemployed voters in Allentown, Hillary Clinton vowed to go home and listen to the Billy Joel song a lot more closely.
  • Hillary Clinton solidified her lead among blue-collar workers when she defeated a steam-powered machine in a steel-drivin’ contest.
  • Although Clinton was recently called out for lying about dodging sniper fire in Bosnia, the people of the Appalachia backwoods will likely be more than willing to provide her with this valuable experience.

Barack Obama

  • Barack Obama slipped in the polls when he traveled to Harrisburg and gave his now-infamous 30-minute “What is that God-awful smell?” speech.
  • Obama has spent the past two weeks paving and repairing a 20-mile stretch of I-80 so he can get to his next campaign stop.
  • Polls show that Obama has done well with undecided voters in Pennsylvania, though he continues to struggle with voters who have made up their minds.
  • Obama has attempted to appeal to Pennsylvania’s working class by donning a specially made, all-denim, Brooks Brother’s power suit.

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Ein Kommentar zu "Pennsylvania voraus – The Onion (wie immer wunderbar)"

  1. jacksmith
    21.04.2008 um 23:53

    MY FELLOW “BITTER”, STUPID, WORKING CLASS PEOPLE :-)

    If you think like Barack Obama, that WORKING CLASS PEOPLE are just a bunch of “BITTER”!, STUPID, PEASANTS, Cash COWS!, and CANNON FODDER. :-(

    You Might Be An Idiot! :-)

    If you think Barack Obama with little or no experience would be better than Hillary Clinton with 35 years experience.

    You Might Be An Idiot! :-)

    If you think that Obama with no experience can fix an economy on the verge of collapse better than Hillary Clinton. Whose ;-) husband (Bill Clinton) led the greatest economic expansion, and prosperity in American history.

    You Might Be An Idiot! :-)

    If you think that Obama with no experience fighting for universal health care can get it for you better than Hillary Clinton. Who anticipated this current health care crisis back in 1993, and fought a pitched battle against overwhelming odds to get universal health care for all the American people.

    You Might Be An Idiot! :-)

    If you think that Obama with no experience can manage, and get us out of two wars better than Hillary Clinton. Whose ;-) husband (Bill Clinton) went to war only when he was convinced that he absolutely had to. Then completed the mission in record time against a nuclear power. AND DID NOT LOSE THE LIFE OF A SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER. NOT ONE!

    You Might Be An Idiot! :-)

    If you think that Obama with no experience saving the environment is better than Hillary Clinton. Whose ;-) husband (Bill Clinton) left office with the greatest amount of environmental cleanup, and protections in American history.

    You Might Be An Idiot! :-)

    If you think that Obama with little or no education experience is better than Hillary Clinton. Whose ;-) husband (Bill Clinton) made higher education affordable for every American. And created higher job demand and starting salary’s than they had ever been before or since.

    You Might Be An Idiot! :-)

    If you think that Obama with no experience will be better than Hillary Clinton who spent 8 years at the right hand of President Bill Clinton. Who is already on record as one of the greatest Presidents in American history.

    You Might Be An Idiot! :-)

    If you think that you can change the way Washington works with pretty speeches from Obama, rather than with the experience, and political expertise of two master politicians ON YOUR SIDE like Hillary and Bill Clinton..

    You Might Be An Idiot! :-)

    If you think all those Republicans voting for Obama in the Democratic primaries, and caucuses are doing so because they think he is a stronger Democratic candidate than Hillary Clinton. :-)

    Best regards

    jacksmith… Working Class :-)

    p.s. You Might Be An Idiot! :-)

    If you don’t know that the huge amounts of money funding the Obama campaign to try and defeat Hillary Clinton is coming in from the insurance, and medical industry, that has been ripping you off, and killing you and your children. And denying you, and your loved ones the life saving medical care you needed. All just so they can make more huge immoral profits for them-selves off of your suffering…

    You see, back in 1993 Hillary Clinton had the audacity, and nerve to try and get quality, affordable universal health care for everyone to prevent the suffering and needless deaths of hundreds of thousands of you each year. :-)

    Approx. 100,000 of you die each year from medical accidents from a rush to profit by the insurance, and medical industry. Another 120,000 of you die each year from treatable illness that people in other developed countries don’t die from. And I could go on, and on…