I love Franz Josef Wagner and I literally don’t mean that in an ironic, hipsters-celebrating-the-royal-wedding-he’s-so-bad-he’s-good kinda way. I literally quite love him, it’s actual love and I just when I read his columns get overwhelmed by this breathless excitement and awe because he is basically the cheekiest cunt alive and I wish I was either his wife or actually just him
1) Lieber Franz-Josef, I would make the perfect wife for you, just marry me already
I secretly love being spanked and stuff but in one of the least feminist things I feel in my soul ever I’m not really into BDSM because I hate that conversation you have to have beforehand when the boy you’re fucking is a proper BDSM person, especially German, and everything has to be really clear and on the table and consensual and he makes it clear everything is just a joke and actually you’re both feminists and everything’s great and then he gets his Spielzeugkiste out and you have to go through it saying if you would be prepared to put a plastic glove on. I know this is crazy anti-feminist of me, but I just find it slightly unromantic going through the Spielzeugkiste beforehand, I’m not anti-feminist enough to find the concept of consent unromantic or unsexy though, I like it when you sleep with some feminist dude and then he whispers in your ear: shall I put a condom on now, what do you say? I’m not THAT bad. Just hate the Glove-Gespräch.
So I am actually one of those terrible people who thinks it is fine that Christian Grey doesn’t know that the BDSM is just a joke. I think it’s fine. I mean, everyone’s right, it’s terrible and he should do a BDSM-health-and-safety-course and keep his kinky shit separated from his and Ana’s emotional relationship but you know. In a way I find it quite sexy when you think, just for a minute, that it’s not a joke. Just for a minute. That it might not be a joke. I know this makes BDSM people angry but not everyone is as sensible and reasonable as them, hence huge success of 50 Shades of Grey. Now, seriously, seriously, seriously, wouldn’t it be seriously fun to be be FJW’s wife? He’s so gloriously unaware. It would be SO MUCH FUN. Ever since I read his column yesterday, and the best line was undoubtedly „Sie tragen Hosenanzüge (Ursula von der Leyn)“, what excellent use of brackets, seriously, what a cheeky cunt he is, just putting her name in brackets like that, he’s so rude, it’s brilliant, but anyways, ever since reading his blog have been having major sexual fantasies about being his wife and making him a delicious green smoothie every morning, kind of like Gwyneth Paltrow style, am thinking like celery, spinach, maybe a bit of Grünkohl, half a spoon of organic honey, maybe a tiny cube of dark, dark chocolate and one raspberry. I would selflessly bring him his green smoothie in bed and then I would get dressed in a sexy Ally-McBeal non-trouser suit and he would lie in bed, sipping peacefully on his healthy smoothie and possibly touch my legs up a bit? THIS IS NOW A MAJOR SEXUAL FANTASY OF MINE, it’s in the Top Five anyways.
2) ACTUALLY JUST BEING HIM WOULD BE QUITE NICE TOO
This is what I don’t understand, even though I have been living in Germany for one million years (also, incidentally, I don’t understand how they decide which bottles have Pfand on them and which don’t) WHY ARE HIS COLUMNS SO SHORT? What a cheeky cunt, seriously. I love him. I respect him so much. I respect all writers who live off of their writing skills but especially cheeky cunts who live off of their writing skills but don’t actually have to do hardly any writing. He seriously can’t spend longer than 20 minutes a day on that shit. Sie tragen Hosenanzüge (Ursula von der Leyn). Sie singen ihre Kinder nicht in den Schlaf. Sie trinken Smoothies. WELL YOU ARE A CHEEKY CUNT WHO GETS PAID FOR WRITING VERY SHORT SENTENCES IN A VERY SHORT COLUMN. If it was any shorter, it would be a fucking Haiku? It’s really a bit much, him complaining about Papas who are only working Teilzeit when literally he only works for a maximum of what? Ten minutes a day. TWENTY MINUTES MAX. His idea of overtime is when he has to send 25 minutes writing because he accidentally forgot to press save and his laptop crashed so he has to start again from the beginning . God he has a great life. Bang out a load of very short sentences, make every single vaguely liberal person living in Germany feel like their brain is about to implode and then get paid (probably) one million euros a day. Brilliant. I love him. I wonder how old he is? He’ll have to die one day and when he does I WANT HIS JOB.
3) PS: Why does everyone think he’s an alcoholic?
I mean, he does look like one in that photo but do we have any other evidence? Apart from his crap skin and very very short sentences I mean