vonjacintanandi 05.06.2019


True Confessions from Berlin's slummiest yummy mummy.

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Germans are bad at patriotism. I don’t mean in a nazi-type way, though obviously the 3rd Reich was „bad.“ But I mean nowadays, party-patriotismus, all that schland stuff. THE WAY THEY DECORATE THE KLEINGARTENS. It’s a bit crap, a bit rubbish, a bit naff. It’s a tiny bit wrong. There’s something a bit „wrong“-looking about the German flag, the red and black and then that colour which is blatantly not gold but the orangey-yellow of a Weetabix packet, they kind of clash. Whenever I look at a German flag, I feel low-key irritated, not because I’m an antideutsche or anything, just because it looks a bit wrong, like a baby whose eyes are too close together. It doesn’t hurt my eyes or anything. It just makes me want to look away.

The Brits are good at patriotism – the flag is clean and kind of sexy, in a silly way. We didn’t fly it much during the 80’s (my childhood), you mainly saw it at the seaside where kids would stick it on the top of a sandcastle. It looks snazzy and silly and slightly ridiculous but, in a way, in an ironic kind of way, kind of cool.

I think the thing I hate most about Britain is this ironic nationalism. Cricket and tea and scones and bake-off but with a cheeky grin and a bit of a wink, it’s all just a joke don’tcha know. Hipsters holding garden parties to celebrate the royal wedding. Geri Halliwell wearing a tea-towel union jack dress. The playfulness of it. The fact that everyone thinks it’s all a joke. The complacency. The laziness.

Do people really think the Queen chose that particular stolen-jewel-collection crown to show the Trumps some „shade“? Funny kind of shade, isn’t it, being invited over for a state banquet and being treated like a prince? It’s such subtle shade, it’s practically fucking sunshine. Grow the fuck up, British people. I actually think this state visit has shown the negative side of having a monarchy – allegedly so neutral yet so many opportunities to lavish Trump with the kind of pomp-based attention he so desperately desires – it’s okay to be too cowardly to want to get rid of the monarchy (it would be a huge change, right? even the coins – that’s why I think we should wait until Lizzy pops her clogs) but to try and pretend the Queen hasn’t just literally invited the Trumps into her palatial home whilst wearing a stolen-jewel-crown on her head is such a reach, you’ll actually do your backs in if you’re not careful.


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