vonjacintanandi 30.12.2019


True Confessions from Berlin's slummiest yummy mummy.

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For the first time in years – maybe since he was born – the baby is away and the teenager and I are home alone. He is on his swivelly x-box chair. Playing Minecraft. I am laying on his bed, scrolling through Instagram aimlessly and every now and then, when I have enough hearts, playing a quick game of Word Blitz.

“Mum,” the teenager says.

“Yeah,” I say.

“Do you have any new year’s resolutions?”

“Oh,” I say, laying my telephone down on his pillow and taking in a deep breath. “I am glad you asked that. I do have a few, to be honest.”

“Go on,” he says.

“Well, first of all, I am going to wake up at 5 a.m. every morning and the first thing I will do is write morning pages. I will write morning pages for half an hour. I’ll set a timer. Then I will meditate for 10 minutes. Then I will write morning pages in German, focusing on my goals and intentions for the day, and also using perfect grammar, like I will achten drauf you know, that my grammar is as good as it possibly can be. Then I will wake you at 6.20, connect with you in a playful but supportive manner, and then I will go into the bathroom and use positive affirmations to increase my self-esteem and self-confidence and all that stuff. So, like, round about the time you leave for school, Baby Leo wakes up, right? I will use my playful parenting skillset and toolset to bond and connect with him over a joyful, playful, loving breakfast. Then I will take him to kita, come home, and I will write, write, write, I will write and write and fucking write, and maybe do some translation work and just generally earn money so we can afford to live a decent life with options and security and stuff, also I have to try and save some money for when the AfD get into power, in case we have to move to Canada or Ireland or Iceland or somewhere. But that’s not all, Ryan! I am going to love my body this year. 2020 will be the year I finally fall in love with my body. Like I am going to dance with my big, fat belly hanging down and I WILL breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth and I will feel my breath in my heavy, swollen belly and I will feel my soul in my entire body, my fire, my spirit, possessing every part of my body and not squishing itself up and hiding from the fat bits but loving myself entire, completely loving myself, loving myself as a woman, loving myself as a woman of colour, loving myself as a slightly fat woman of colour and through loving myself and dancing naked so much, I will also hopefully lose around ten kilos. But that’s not all! Ryan, listen. Are you listening? This will be the year I really listen to people. I am going to LISTEN to people. Like when people have fears and stuff, like when white people have fears and stuff, like about immigration and stuff, I am going to sit down, with an open heart, an open heart full of love and I am going to really LISTEN. I am going to LISTEN. And then I am going to answer HONESTLY, I am going to say yes, okay, I hear all your fears but you know what it’s not our fault we have brown skin? Like you are just being racist. Like your fears about immigration which I am really LISTENING to do actually have a lot to do with you thinking white skin looks nicer than brown skin and I really don’t know why you think it because whenever I go to the FKK sauna I kind of think er. Well actually I won’t finish that sentence. The white people might get a bit beleidigt. But I am going to LISTEN to people. Not just white people. Everyone. Listen and not judge but just love them and accept them. Like for instance when my mum has her suicidal fantasies, I am just going to listen to them and not try and fix them for her. I am just going to sit there and soak in her suicidality. And I am not going to comment on every single thing that happens on social media but instead write actual books and actual novels and actual stories that actually matter and are actually true, like obviously you should be able to do a funny song about an Oma being an Umweltsau and Greta Thunberg should’ve got a seat on that train, but I am not going to comment on everything because I will be too busy LISTENING to people, being HONEST in my heart and dancing naked in my actual body. Also I will trenn my müll. I will trenn my müll so hard if Greta Thunberg comes over she will be all like wow bit übertrieben with the mülltrennung oder. Oh, and I am going to stop eating Ditsch pizzas and deinstall Word Blitz off of my phone.”

“Mum, I literally haven’t been listening to anything you said after the first sentence.”

“Can you pass me the Terry’s chocolate orange please? Oh goodie,” I say, picking up my phone. “Three more hearts in Word Blitz. Please don’t speak to me, Ryan, I really need to concentrate now. I only need one more star and I’ll be back in League 12.”

It’s going to be a great year, I am sure you agree!


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