Racist people can be paranoid sometimes, huh? They say really paranoid things like „If you don’t like our country, then why don’t you go home?“ „If you hate our country so much, why don’t you just go home?“ or even, occasionally „I know you cack on the German flag instead of toilet paper Jacinta. I see you. I SEE YOU CACKING.“
It’s weird because I hate Germany ina really relaxed, low-key, chill way now. I hate Germany like a German. I find it kind of boring and a bit embarrassing sometimes. I no longer hate Germany in this red-hot, violent, disgusted „Look what evil, evil nazis they all are!“ kind of way. I now hate Germany in a luke-warm, slightly bemused, mostly embarrassed „Look what boring, silly nazis we all are!“ kind of a way.
What changed? I dunno man. The first thing that changed was I had a kid. Before my oldest boy was born, if someone said please to me for „bitte“ – I mean in that bitte schön, you’re welcome kind of way, I felt this annoyance in my entire body. It sounded so wrong, so stupid, so silly SO ANNOYING. I would literally bristle. But then I had a kid – I had a German kid – and I love the way toddlers shout at you – the new baby shouts NEIN DANKE at almost everything I say – do you want to go to kita? NEIN DANKE! – do you want to brush your teeth -NEIN DANKE! His big brother, now 15, he used to shout please at me – bark it at me – whenever he gave me anything. I really love the way German manners are really impolite and impatient and stuff. They say danke and bitte in exactly the same tone of voice they say fick dich ins Knie in. Anyway, I fell in love with the please! mistake then. That’s what parenting does to you – it fucking MELLOWS you – you see your child, and with them the humanity, in complete strangers, some of them even German.
Years later, the Brexit happened. I didn’t actually go and become German. But something shifted inside my heart. I hate the Brits, and when I say Brits, I mainly mean the English, with the same vicious anger I used to feel for Germans. And I feel about the Germans this kind of weary resignation, this tiredness, this boredom mixed with acceptance. I’ll still slag them off if I have to – but there’s no bite to it. (The funny thing is, that a lot of people are so racist/paranoid that they haven’t even fucking noticed.)
THERE ARE SOME THINGS THE GERMANS DO THAT STILL DRIVE ME UP THE FUCKING WALL AND ONE OF THEM IS THE WAY THEY PRONOUNCE JANE AUSTEN. It’s so fucking annoying, I know I am a hypocrite for hating them for this when most British people have never even heard of Emilia Galotti or whoever but it really fucking drives me up the wall.
Who knows what will happen in the next 20 years. Maybe by the time Britain is ready to rejoin the EU I’ll be pronouncing it Awwwwwwstin myself.