So you know how, like, in the Olden Days, i.e. two weeks ago, in the time before Quorona, what I used to do was, when I wrote blogs or Lesebühne texts or whatever, I would take virtual conversations and pretend they were real? I mean, you guys know I used to do this, and I know you know. I’d have had some conversation online – maybe over Facebook chat, maybe even just on a comment thread – and I’d turn it into a REAL LIFE conversation, maybe a phone call or even a coffee date. I don’t know why I did this, to be honest. Back then, in the Olden Days, i.e. two weeks ago, in the time before Quorona, it seemed more realistic, more authentic, somehow, which is a bit of a weird paradox/contradiction in terms, just like the fact that I liked tinned peaches more than real ones.
So, back in 2016, a few weeks, or possibly even days, after Brexit, I wrote a Wahrheit text which started with the words „My girlfriend from Australia rings me up….“ I think I wasn’t actually lying about this, I think my Australian friend had actually rang me up. But one of the commenters in the comment section wrote „This doesn’t even make sense. Why did her Australian friend ring her up?“
It was one of those moments when you realize how old you’re getting.
Anyways, I weirdly can’t pretend anymore. I’m not meeting up with anyone for coffee, and I haven’t done for weeks already, because I am a fucking chicken shit, and I’m not really the kind of sociable person who would meet up with someone she loves in a park just to walk alongside them and enjoy the same sunshine together. That’s not how I roll, to be honest. I’d prefer to sit on my balcony in my PJs and a big warm jacket and Whatapp you. But, weirdly, everyone keeps on ringing me up at the moment. Whatsapp, Facebook chat, even actual phone calls. Also this Zoom business. To be honest, I am finding Quorona kind of socially exhausting, a tiny bit. And I’ll tell you something for nothing: THAT WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WOULD NOT HAVE WRITTEN KING LEAR IN QUARANTINE IF HANDYS HAD BEEN INVENTED ALREADY.
So my German friend rings me up – over Whatsapp since you’re asking. (THIS IS ACTUALLY TRUE FOR ONCE!)
She says: I think your hatred for Drosten is getting kind of out of hand, Jacinta.
I say: My hate for Drosten is perfect and beautiful and whole, like a perfect boiled egg in the morning.
She says: He’s a good guy.
I say, sulkily: He’s an evil scientist masquerading as a good guy, you mean.
She says: You know, you understand him all wrong. He is a scientist, he’s not an influencer!
I say: An evil scientist.
She says: It’s not his fault the German people are listening to him like this! He always says, very clearly. I am just one guy. I am just a scientist. I am just one guy, a scientist. I am not a politician. I cannot really answer these questions.
I say: He’s probably a Russian spy. I reckon. Putin’s probably funding that podcast. He probably gets paid a million euros for each thousand Germans that get infected.
She says: I think you are so funny and nice, Jacinta. But it’s this kind of paranoid, crazy talk that makes Germans not understand how funny and nice you are. Don’t you want Germans to realize that you are funny and nice?
I sigh deeply.
I say: Okay. I’ll stop hating on Drosten. Even though my hate for him is perfect, like a boiled egg in the morning and you can still see the outline of the moon in the sky. Why can you see the moon at day-time sometimes? See, if I was a scientist with a podcast I’d know this shit and Germans would respect me more.
SO HERE IS MY NON-HATRED OF DROSTEN LISTICLE:
1) Your man Drosten is so obviously married to a middle-class white German woman and this should not be allowed.
I think it’s obvious that things can’t go back to normal when Corona is over. If things go back „to normal“, it won’t be normal, it will be the total defeat of the oppressed and the victory of the oppressors. But if we learn anything from Corona, what we are going to have to learn is that pain is real, and just because it doesn’t touch you personally, doesn’t make it less real or less painful.
There is pain in this world, and there is pain in Germany. Hunger is real, single mothers are real, Hartz-IV-Sanktionen are real, the fact that disorganized freelancers and undocumented migrants aren’t covered by the German health insurance is real. Childhood sexual abuse is fucking real. Stop looking away, Germany. You need to look. We need to look at people in pain, we need to fucking SEE them, we need to take their pain seriously.
In a world in which the privileged believed that pain was real, Corona would have still fucked us over. But a lot less. Less people would have died and less people would be going to die. Instead of people in general and Angela Merkel in particular bitching about hamstering, the government would’ve been organizing food parcels for the needy. PAIN IS REAL. Pain needs to be accepted, pain and misery need to be accepted, not ignored any longer. We cannot positive think our way out of this. Pain is real, look at it. Suck the poison out of the princess’s mouth. Spit it on the floor. THIS STOPS NOW.
Now, another thing, that very much specifically needs to happen is that white middle-class Germans shouldn’t be allowed to marry each other anymore. C’mon we’ve seen what happens. If your man Drosten had a panicky, paranoid Ausländerin at home (not necessarily me) he wouldn’t have been chatting his shit about beers in nature and that while Italy was already counting one thousand dead. He would’ve actually used his podcast for some good, i.e. told everyone to start sewing home-made masks TWO WEEKS AGO.
So German people love science, so here’s some scientific science for you guys: when two white middle-class Germans get married, the smugness levels grow expontenitally (check spelling later – ed) which is why, and I want to clarify that I am, like, almost half-joking here, as soon as Corona Crisis is over, these marriages will be BANNED and we can all live happily ever after. Every Ausländerin in Germany will be issued with her own smug middle-class white German who she can nag into submission and the quality of both the science and the podcasts this country produces will vastly improve.
2) YEAH OKAY IT’S NOT DROSTEN’S FAULT YOU GUYS LISTEN TO HIM SO MUCH
Like seriously he keeps on telling you not to listen to him like he’s gospel but of all the things he is saying THIS IS THE ONE THING YOU AIN’T LISTENING TO? What the fuck, Germany? Drosten’s literally leaving clues for you guys. He’s like: I am just one person. I am just a scientist. I can’t really answer that question. This isn’t my area of expertise. This is not the thing I am an expert in. At the end of the day, I am just one person. But yeah, my personal opinion, as one person, is that you shouldn’t hamster.
And what does Germany hear? Germany hears: IT IS NOW SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN THAT ANYONE WHO HAMSTERS IS A TRAITOR TO THE GERMAN STATE AND SHOULD BE SHOT BECAUSE SAINT DROSTEN HAS DECLARED IT SO.
Like seriously? German people’s, and this is kind of paradoxical, love for Drosten in particular and science in general is so loyal and fanatic that it is basically religious Aberglaube.
3) MAYBE IF YOUR MAN DROSTEN SPENT MORE TIME DOING SCIENCE AND LESS TIME DOING PODCASTS HE WOULD’VE DISCOVERED A FUCKING VACCINE BY NOW FOR FUCK’S SAKE