vonjacintanandi 20.10.2020


True Confessions from Berlin's slummiest yummy mummy.

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I lost my mind in March/April – there, I admit it now. I thought I was surrounded by murderers and madmen who didn’t care if their Mitmenschen lived or died as long as German Normality, German Reality, German Banality continued forever and ever and ever and EVEEEEEEEER. I thought Germany was basically a death cult. I feel kind of normal now – but the weird thing is, I think Mad Me was actually right and Sane Me has just got used to total sociopathy – and also realized that hanging out with other people is a lot of fun.

Only the old are dying, it’s fine! Only the poor are dying, it’s okay! It’s kind of like a mantra for these troublesome times, isn’t it, maybe they could bring out public health ads with this as a slogan to comfort us even more.

So, I’m a hypocrite. I underestimated, too, how much of a social animal the human ape is, huh. I’ve been to one inside party since March – a mum and kid party, six mums, a few more kids. I’d been planning to sit on the balcony but instead I sat inside and drank an incredibly strong cocktail and felt this sense of inner peace that wasn’t all alcohol-based sweep through my veins. I underestimated how much it cost, not meeting up with other people. I never knew how much I liked you guys.

Back in my “vegan” days, my veganity basically consisted of me finishing off mozzarella I had found in the fridge and declaring to myself, my son and the world that ab morgen I’d be truly vegan. Ever since Angela Merkel asked us – well, let’s be honest, begged us, to go into voluntary lockdown I’ve been fighting with myself in the same way. Ab morgen I won’t see anyone, ab morgen I’ll get food delivered, ab morgen my only social contact will be walking in a cold forest and nodding briskly at the dog-owners.

The thing is, I genuinely think lockdown versus mental health is a false dichotomy. Isn’t it? This constant worry that lockdown might return, this constant panic about the economy, it’s been really debilitating for our mental health(s?) too, hasn’t it? I think the virus-denying, the herd immunity ambitions, that was the problematic bit. There was loads of stuff we could have done to stop the virus and protect Risikogruppen (people talk about high risk people even less than they talk about BLM right now, you noticed that?) that wouldn’t have involved either Kontaktbeschränkungen or a half-hearted German Lockdown: a Home-Office Gesetz, the posh air filters in classrooms, a Home-Schooling Gesetz, snazzy computers for teachers and poor pupils, Kindergeld raised to 800 per kid, Mietenstopp, Maskenpflicht…..Instead everyone just kind of pretended there was some kind of choice we had to make between taking corona seriously or protecting the economy.

ANYWAYS: MASKENPFLICHT. Please, please, please, from 29th October onwards, we’ll all stay home, right? Ab 29 Oktober. But on the 28th, you’re all gonna put on your best masks – von mir aus, those funny super-duper Kaffeefilter ones that, not being funny, look kind of sexy on everyone – and come to my BUCHPREMIERE!

What did Merkel say?

“Verzichten Sie auf jede Feier, die nicht sein muss!“

March-Me would undoubtedly call October-Me a nazi for this, but I am sure you’ll agree that my Buchpremiere simply must must must must must SEIN. I can’t think of ANYTHING that needs to be more than my Buchpremiere, it has muss sein written all over it. Frau Merkel might as well have just said “Bitte gehen Sie unbedingt hin zu Jacinta Nandis Buchpremiere!“

Don’t forget your fucking masks, though.


And if you’re not in Berlin, buy the book here!


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