HIM NOT A DOG! My son screams into the sofa.
Yes, I say to my mum on the phone. Merkel thinks schools should close but the mayor and the education minister see it differently. The BERLIN education minister. Like, totally not famous enough to overrule Merkel, nobody’s even heard of her except for, like teachers.
HIM NOT A DINOSAUR!
But isn’t Merkel more important than them? My mum asks.
HIM IS NOT A DOG! HIM HAS A DOG! HIM HAS A DOG AND A BOOOOOOOOONE! HIM A SUPERHERO WITH HIS OWN DOG HIS DOG IS NOT CHASE!
You’d think, wouldn’t you, I say bitterly.
My son says, quietly now, and in a worryingly American accent: Take that, Chase!
So, what are you going to do? She says.
Tee-ranosaurus rex, yes, yes, yes. ME A DOG ME A DOG ME ALWAYS A DOG! Me not a dinosaur! ME A FRIENDLY DOG. Where’s my bone?
Well, I can’t do anything, I say. I have no choice but to send him in. I mean, also, he’s an adult. It’s his decision.
There’s my bone, it’s a big bone, it’s a tee-ranosaurus rex bone!
I mean, Merkel doesn’t even think the schools should close, she says they are closed.
WHERE IS DIS BONE.
Can’t she sack them?
In an even more worryingly American accent: LET’S GO! Dinosaur FUN!
I want to sue them. I want to sue them. I wanmt to sue them so much. Maybe I’ll sue the fuck out of them.
Fuck? Fuck? Fucking fuck fuck?
I just think Merkel should get them both fired. Imagine a silly little mayor overruling the chancellor of Germany! Honestly, Cint, it’s ridiculous.
Look! Morsel! There’s Morsel! GET OUT BABY!
She’s just the kind of miserable German woman who thinks life isn’t worth living if you’re not work or at school, and who hates all her own relatives, and is jealous we don’t all hate ours.
MORSEL AND ROBBO MUMMY
And what’s his problem?
Dis dinosaur has bone. Dis dinosaur has no bone. Dis dinosaur has yes bone. And dis dinosaur, him a dog.
I think he’s just bored, or something? Like a bit bored? I mean, life in Germany is boring. So he’s decided to make it a bit hunger gamesy
I look up. Baby Leo is pouring hot dog juice into a tupperware lunch box. He comes up to me, throws the salty brinewater into my face, and shouts loudly: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! IT’S A SURPRISE!
„That certainly was a surprise,“ I say weakly, as a I hang up on my mum. It’s been over a year since I last saw her, and every day a thousand people die of corona virus in Germany, and I thought it would kill her, but she had it, and she survived, and I promised her I’d go home for Christmas, but in the end I didn’t, and now every day a thousand people die, and maybe Michael Müller and Sandra Scheeres really hate their parents and hope they die, and this is why they are doing this, and on Monday my oldest boy will go back to school, and a thousand people die every day in Germany, and sometimes I think I am losing my mind.