Christwire ist eine wunderbare Satire-Seite, eine Parodie auf christlich-fundamentalistische Homepages und Foren.

Nachdem christwire.org seine Schäfchen bereits darüber aufgeklärt hat, was ein Raver ist und wie Rave entstand (die Nazis waren’s, mal wieder) ist nun ein Riot Grrrl Guide veröffentlicht worden, der unter anderem diese wunderbaren Tipps an Eltern bereit hält, wie man feststellen kann, ob die eigene Tochter nun eine Lesbierin ist:

1. Does she shave her push? While this question may trouble many parents, a telling sign of lesbianism is a girl who refuses to shave her pubic papillae. A kempt woman of morality will want to be presentable and feminine in this area, whereas lesbians ‘buck’ culture by not tending their fertile fields as meant by God. Simply see if your daughter has spent razors in her bathroom at home, or if in college, offer to do laundry.

Take a close look at the undergarments and see if there is evidence of hair and a fresh whiff when whipping them into the laundry. The smell of seduction is a telling sign of pubic indecency.

2. Review your daughter’s CD collection or ask her to ‘text’ you her current iPOD mp3 list. If these bands show up, she is a lesbian.

Marcy’s Playground, Bikini Kill, Bratmobile, The Fray, Train, Avril Lavigne, Excuse 17, Heavens to Betsy, Fifth Column, Calamity Jane, Huggy Bear, Spicy Girls, Adickdid, Blood on the Dance Floor, Emily’s Sassy Lime, The Smashing Pumpkins, Alanis Morisette, The Frumpies, Macy Gray, The Butchies, Sleater-Kinney, Bangs.

3. Signs of Lesbianism. Lesbian culture is still deeply drenched in symbolism, indicative of its origin in an ancient world of superstitious ritual and gyrating lesbian blood orgy sacrifices under the moonlight. Christian band Weezer released a warning song years ago named “Pink Triangle“, telling of lesbian adherance to pyramid culture and sacrifice, marking themselves as did lesbians of Egyptian lore.

Auf der Liste der größten anzunehmenden Heranwachsunfälle steht das Riot Grrl sogar noch eine Stufe über dem Rave Girl:

Eyes wide in drug-addled confusion, your daughter will be lured into snare traps where her coital juices will be used to quench the most hell-induced desert of thirt for these wild women. They are ravers, which is bad enough, but when you add the notions of anarchy riots and lesbianism to the mix it turns into a boiling cauldron of witchcraft.

Wer sich ernsthafter mit dem Riot Grrrl Thema auseinandersetzen mag, kann übrigens zum frisch erschienen „Riot Grrrl revisited – Geschichte und Gegenwart einer feministischen Bewegung“ greifen: