„Without a degree in quantum mechanics, nobody could possibly follow this byzantinely moronic plot. But people with degrees in quantum mechanics don’t go to see movies like Terminator Genisys, which means there is no one on the face of the earth who can possibly explain what is going on in this ridiculous movie. Not even the screenwriter, who was probably just winging it.

This is where time travel comes in. Knowing that Terminator Genisys is a dud, the producers need to build themselves a time machine and go back to the past to reshoot it. By travelling back to 2013, when the film was green-lighted, they could fire the charisma-challenged Jai Courtney and replace him in the role of Kyle Reese with someone the moviegoing public finds more attractive. Chris Pratt would do nicely, as would Chris Pine, or Chris Walken or even Chris O’Dowd. (…)

For similar reasons, they should dump Emilia Clarke and replace her with the tough-as-nails Jennifer Lawrence. Lawrence spent part of 2014 making Serena, a movie so bad no one even wants to admit that it exists. By travelling back in time and showing Lawrence footage of the stupefyingly crummy Serena, and maybe even a few horrifying movie reviews or blogposts by powerful, prescient amateur critics, they could probably persuade her to ditch that film and join the cast of Terminator Genisys instead. Bradley Cooper, who co-stars with Lawrence in Serena, might also be willing to take the role of John Connor. Or the role of Kyle Reese. The possibilities are endless.

One other thought presents itself: if the original Terminator had bypassed 1984 and traveled all the way back to 1491 to kill Christopher Columbus, the US would never have come into being, and Schwarzenegger would have just stayed in his native Austria, and perhaps made a German-language version of The Terminator, which would have been just fine with everybody because nobody in the rest of the world ever sees Austrian movies. And if Columbus had never made it to America, I would never have been born, so I wouldn’t have had to watch Terminator Salvation in London’s Leicester Square at midnight surrounded by a bunch of thugs, much less Terminator Genisys in an empty theatre in New York’s suburbs.

Damn. If only life were like the movies.“

(Joe Queenan im britischen Guardian)


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